DEAR DEIDRE: EVER since I came across some pictures of my ex-girlfriend’s son on Instagram, I have become convinced that I’m his father.
He is the spitting image of me. I now think she lied when she said he wasn’t mine.
I’m 35 and she’s 33. It’s been 13 years since we broke up, after she had a fling with another man and I found out her secret.
But I didn’t know she was pregnant. I only learned this after her baby was born.
At the time, I contacted her to ask if the baby was mine and I was fully prepared to support her and the child.
She flat out denied it, saying it was the other guy’s — even though he hadn’t stuck around — and so I got on with my life, got married then had two children of my own.
But a couple of months ago, I was online, when curiosity led me to search for my ex’s name.
Her profile showed pictures of her and her son, who is now 12.
I felt chills — it was like looking at childhood photographs of myself.
The boy has the same colouring, same cheeky smile and the same thick, blonde hair.
Since then, I have not been able to stop thinking about this, and wondering if I should contact my ex again.
I’ve spoken to my wife about it, and she’s supportive if I want to do that.
I don’t understand why my ex would lie, when I was offering to help her and wanted to be a dad. She’s also robbed her son of a relationship with his father.
I feel bereft.
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DEIDRE SAYS: Suspecting that this boy is your son is eating you up, and that’s not good for you, your marriage or your children.
Your ex must have her reasons for denying it. Perhaps she didn’t want a relationship with you or maybe she genuinely believed he couldn’t be yours.
But however much the child looks like you, it doesn’t prove anything.
Genes can skip generations.
The only way to know for sure is a DNA test. Unfortunately, you’d need your ex’s permission to do this.
Contact her again and ask her to consider this. But first, have some
counselling, so you can work through how you will feel if the child
is, or isn’t, yours. See my support pack about this.
Think about how this might affect the boy too.
For advice, contact Families Need Fathers (fnf.org.uk).
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