Nearly two thirds of women have fantasised about being raped.
At first glance, this may feel like a shocking statistic. But if you flick through the pages of Gillian Anderson’s new book Want, you’ll discover that being forced to have sex is actually a thought that can turn some women on — even if they couldn’t imagine anything worse happening to them in real life.
Just like Nancy Friday’s collection of unspoken fantasies in My Secret Garden did 50 years before, Want – which contains the sexual desires of hundreds of women from around the world – normalises thoughts many tend to keep secret.
But even those who share their rape fantasies question why, saying it goes against their own fundamental beliefs — so how can being raped ever be considered sexy?
A fantasy that goes against feminism
Trigger warning: the following contains explicit details of extreme fantasies that involve sexual assault
In Want, a married, bisexual Jewish woman shares how she gets off to the thought of a group of men breaking into her house, covering her mouth and taking turns to have sex with her.
‘It’s [a fantasy] that goes against many of the things I value, and I used to feel very guilty about it,’ she wrote.
‘Sometimes they’re burglars, other times they lose their way right into my place and take the opportunity. Said opportunity, of course, is to have their way with me. So, on goes the blindfold, a hand around my mouth, another to keep me still, a few more in the room to make sure I don’t cause trouble…
‘This, the imagination of him finally breaching me, is where I’ll be rubbing myself and come directly.’
Another such fantasy comes from a single Finnish woman who masturbates to the idea of being held captive by a group of bikers, who tear all her clothes off when she attempts to escape.
As punishment they make her perform oral on each of them. ‘They guide me down to suck on all their c**ks,’ she writes. ‘They are impatient, grabbing my head or my hair, and thrusting into my mouth.
‘The activity builds, with them all touching my body and using my mouth for their pleasure, until they want more. I am laid down, and they take turns to f*** me.’
It’s crucial to reiterate that women who experience rape fantasies do not wish to be raped, nor do they condone it in any shape or form. Rape fantasists are not rape apologists.
Many Hollywood films have been criticised for glorifying rape. The Guardian condemned both Bafta-nominated Nocturnal Animals and ‘rape revenge comedy’ Elle as insults to survivors of men’s sexual violence.
But Anderson’s Want does the opposite, creating a safe space for women to share and unpack their fantasies so that others can feel seen.
The two types of rape fantasies
Psychosexual therapist Ness Cooper tells Metro there are actually two forms of rape fantasy. ‘There are those that cause erotic feelings, and those that lead to feelings of aversion – meaning they don’t turn people on,’ she explains.
Ness explains that while extreme fantasies can be arousing, they can also be extremely distressing.
‘Our brains may have the ability to process both parts of a rape fantasy as two separate things, meaning we are able to differentiate between erotic actions we would enjoy, versus actions we would not enjoy and see how these are different,’ she explains.
‘This may be why some people find they can accept rape fantasies, simply as erotic fantasies.’
It is also worth noting these fantasies are completely in the imaginations of those having them, which means that they have full control. They are consenting to what is happening to them in their heads, even if the situation they’re imagining takes choice away from them.
‘It’s a fantasy that goes against everything I stand for…’
Anderson’s Want contains a wide range of complex confessions about extreme desires. In one case, a married American woman, who is disabled, says she fantasises about having sex where she’s not in control or able to give consent.
‘I’m injured and incapacitated and in need of care, or I’m tied up and menaced in some way,’ she shares. ‘In my real life I’m a big fan of consent. In my fantasy life, my consent doesn’t matter.’
There’s even a Handmaid’s Tale-esque fantasy, told by a Welsh Christian woman, who describes herself as a ‘firm feminist’.
‘I dream of being dominated – of being praised when I service my master properly… of being taken at any point of the day or night, with no regard for what I want. Only to satisfy him,’ she writes.
‘But it goes further than this. My deepest fantasy is to be impregnated – to be bred over and over, kept pregnant and used for nothing more than for a man’s pleasure, and to reproduce.
‘I fantasise about being milked, in milking stalls, while faceless men come up behind me and f*** me while my tits are being pumped. Breeding me, and starting the cycle all over again. It’s not something I would ever want in real life, and it goes against everything I believe in and stand for.’
An important distinction
All of the above would be traumatising if it were to be experienced in reality but, because it’s in our heads, there is an important distinction — a point made by Gillian Anderson herself.
She said she published the book to challenge the stereotypical roles women are framed in — ‘the enticing sexual partner, the caring mother, the smart career woman’.
‘Erotic thoughts of being overpowered and held prisoner by a violent assailant are about sex,’ she says. ‘Sexual assault is about power. And in a fantasy we, the women, are uniquely in control of what is being done to us. We are the director in our heads; we make the choices about how our bodies are treated.’
This is echoed by the first woman we hear from, who explains: ‘I am the one who writes this story in my head… and God I want it when I dream it, and so I definitely consent to it. This fantasy is nothing I would want to live out for real – it could not have the quality and safety it does in my head.’
According to the same study that found more than half of women have a rape fantasy, most experience this fantasy around four times a year. The study, published in the Journal of Sex Research in 2009, reported that roughly 16% said they fantasised about rape once a week.
Psychotherapist Ness explains that these thoughts originate from the correlation between risk and eroticism. ‘Basically, danger can lead to arousal. Although not always erotic, it can be linked to eroticism if there is an erotic stimuli,’ she says.
This is called arousal theory, although this does not mean that when a women is scared, she is turned on – Ness feels this could give a sense of victim-blaming, when it comes to women who have previously experienced rape.
While we certainly shouldn’t presume that all women with rape fantasies have experienced sexual trauma, for those who have, Ness believes having the fantasies could be a trauma response.
‘The brain may go into survival mode when processing these experiences, leading to the extremely distressing parts being numbed by trying to focus on pleasurable parts of the occurrence,’ she says.
‘This may be the brain trying to self soothe and regulate itself during this experience or during the memories of experiences like these.’
Ness adds: ‘Some fantasies are just a random firing of thoughts meshed together, and as they may lead to arousal, we do need to normalise that they don’t always have to have deep hidden meanings that need uncovering.’
Want by Gillian Anderson is published by Bloomsbury and available to order here.
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